Just some things to know…

You should know that Natalie and Philip were enrolled at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, freshman and junior respectively, and that Natalie was really unhappy there. Not in the oh-she’ll-be-fine-in-a-month way, either. She was in the middle of her second term, and planning to transfer. Still, it was difficult for her to be there, which meant many tearful (for her) and heartbreaking (for me) phone calls.

You should know that I was separated from my husband, Phil, and living on the top floor of my friend Nadiya’s house; that Phil and I get along well; that he lives in the house that we own. That Natalie lived with me when she wasn’t at school, simply because I’m home more often than Phil, and I have a better wardrobe than he does. That Philip did not live on campus, but rented a house nearby with some friends. That when he did come home, he stayed with Phil.

© 2013 Denise Smyth


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Grace Young
    May 01, 2013 @ 18:08:37

    Denise I am so sorry for your loss… God bless you. 😦
    My son died by suicide on his 27th birthday. He too had had problems with drugs and alcohol,.. and had also snorted heroin in the past. His autopsy showed no drugs in his system…. His blood alcohol level was .175 when he was found. He had hanged himself.
    I wish I could say something inspiring to ease your soul.. but no words come. My son has been gone for nearly 6 years. Our family created “Particle Accelerator, in memory of Jack Young, Jr.” to help other families learn about the signs of depression and suicide. It’s an annual music festival in our small town in Putnam, CT. We endorse music and civic engagement as an alternative to drugs and alcohol.
    I wish I could say more to comfort you and your family… your boy was special, as was mine. Keep this in mind… I remember screaming in pain, Why? Why? why did he do this to me? and my youngest son Ben said, Mom, it wasn’t about you. It was about his depression and his inability to cope with it.
    Please know that your blog helps many people cope with loss, and that is a good thing. I saw your post on Grieving Parents site on FB. You can find our Particle site there… and our Wall of Angels. And you can find me there too, if you need a friend, or someone to talk to.
    You are an excellent writer.
    .. and I am keeping you in my prayers.
    Grace Young


    • Denise
      May 01, 2013 @ 18:48:28

      Thank you, Grace; do you ever wish you could find something to say besides, “Thank you” to convey what you mean? Maybe, “You touch me,” or something. Because maybe you can’t make what I’m feeling go away, but I know you care, and that matters. It’s that time of night, that time of evening again; my own worst-time, after 5, but before 8…who knows why? I miss my son, I miss him and I am so damn lonely for him…


  2. Becki Duckworth
    Dec 16, 2013 @ 12:15:36

    Denise, You touch everyone that reads your blog. Between the dreaded grocery shopping , I hate it with a passion, and Monday night football , which I passionately I am going to catch up on all your blog posts.


  3. Denise
    Dec 16, 2013 @ 13:18:58

    Thanks, Becki.


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