I’ve added three more photos, at the end of the Photo page. I have to get this scanning thing down. The first two were 8 1/2 x 11, so they scanned correctly. The third was a regular 4×6 that I cropped, but when I inserted it, it shrunk.
Anyway.
My friend Laurie was practicing photography and took pictures of Philip and Natalie. I thank God that I had Philip’s entire childhood. When I look at that sweet little boy in the picture, I don’t feel like I lost him. I lost the young man he’d become; I lost him in form, but never in my heart. That’s where he lives, but that’s also where I’m shattered.
It’s been a tough two days. Help me, I want to say; but to whom? I think when we suffer tragedy, we come to know what it truly means to be alone. No one can touch where we are; but on another level, we so need each other.
Here’s a poem about grief that knocks me out:
THE WELL OF GRIEF
David White
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface of the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold, and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for something else.
The third photo was taken by Natalie; it’s from the last trip we took as a family. We camped and kayaked with a group and two guides. Well, they camped and kayaked. I rode on the boat with the luggage and a guide who’d actually read one of my favorite short stories by Harlan Ellison: “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.”
Sounds like a blog post in the making.
That picture struck me so. I don’t know how well you can see it – but I just discovered that if you click on a photo, it enlarges it. (But then, you knew that ;o) Natalie took it when we were hiking up a mountain. Look at him – it’s just Philip and the sky and whatever he was thinking. Because he was looking down and clearly, something was on his mind.
This child of mine…
© 2013 Denise Smyth
Forever 21 
Sep 22, 2013 @ 18:55:01
I love the new pictures from 1994. The expressions on the kids faces are priceless. Beautiful simply, stunning
Sep 22, 2013 @ 19:16:50
When we have children, we come to really know what precious means. Thank you – how grateful I am to have those fleeting moments captured…
Sep 22, 2013 @ 19:22:51
Its amazing-as I continue to read your blog I remind myself to be grateful for all these moments with my little ones. As I start to get annoyed with their antics your story comes to my mind and I am reminded to APPRECIATE the time that I have with them. THANK YOU to you and Phillip for making a positive change in my life!
Sep 23, 2013 @ 08:04:42
It’s encouraging to hear that – whatever “good” comes from telling my story is a comfort. And I’ll tell you – I don’t know how much you’ve read of the blog, but I always talk about how nothing was wrong between Philip and me, nothing was unsaid. We never even argued. That made me realize what “Don’t go to be angry” means. Had anything been wrong between us…I don’t even like to think about it.
Sep 23, 2013 @ 09:41:01
Love all the photos!
Sep 23, 2013 @ 11:36:32
Hey you – thanks ;o)
Sep 27, 2013 @ 20:19:51
I like the poem…it really speaks to my heart. A different kind of grief, yet so relatable. I’m happy for you to have the photos and sweet memories of Philip.
Sep 27, 2013 @ 21:08:41
He was such a sweet kid and I just can’t stand how much I miss him.
I loved your last post, writing to your younger self. Thank you for sharing it.
Sep 28, 2013 @ 19:32:25
Denise I have to confess to being incredibly self-centered in my blogging. I write and see the likes and comments but have done horribly at reading other blogs. Tonight I am reading and my heart goes out to you. I do think of you just don’t do a good job of reading. Much love and light
Sep 28, 2013 @ 20:33:08
Please don’t apologize – there isn’t any need to. I know that comes from your heart; just know that you’ve touched me, and that’s why I read your blog. We all do the best we can. Whatever you do is enough. I just wish you’d write more (and that’s ME being selfish ;o)
Sep 28, 2013 @ 20:36:08
I need to write more but not writing is me being selfish. I subscribe by email now and look forward to reading more from you and I’m coming out of a funk and look forward to writing more 🙂
Sep 28, 2013 @ 21:40:45
And I’ll be reading; no worries about anything else. You’re suffering enough, no? Do or don’t do whatever you need to. We’re in this together whether you’re silent or not.