One Year

March 31st was my one year blogging anniversary. I wanted to write something then, but I didn’t know what. And I’m mostly writing this because I’ve been working – grappling? – with the post I’ve been writing for the last week and a half, and I’m feeling kind of disconnected from not posting for this long. It’s coming together, but it’s hard for me to get down what I’m trying to say. I’m still figuring it out.

Blogging’s connected me with so many people – and it keeps me connected to myself.  I don’t know how I’d get through this without it. I have to keep talking about Philip, about his death – one year of writing and I’ve still so much to say. If it was all just rattling around in my mind instead of being written on a page, I’d be a kind of crazy I can only imagine; curled up under the covers, eyes closed, holding my breath while I waited to die along with my son. So I’m saying, with much gratitude, thank you all for helping.

A few people have made some noise about me meeting someone. It would be good for me, they say. And right around that time, all-of-a-sudden I started getting Match.com invitations ;o) I think that if I cared for someone, if someone cared for me and I could take it in, that would be good. But I’m not sure I have the energy for that kind of effort. Philip’s death is so much with me – and anyone close to me has to know that. The friends I spend time with know that. So to meet someone, to go through that awkward first date – I’m not there because I’d have to sit down and say, “You have to know my son died, you have to know I’m suffering this,” and that just doesn’t seem like first-date conversation.

The conversation I want to have is the one I’m having right here – so back to what I’ve been writing, and I’ll “see” you all soon ;o)

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23 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. behindthemask
    Apr 08, 2014 @ 22:31:21

    Welcome back. Don’t let anyone pressure you. You’ll know if and when you are ready. ((Hugs))

    Reply

  2. Rose
    Apr 08, 2014 @ 22:51:41

    and we are here to listen….anything, anytime, any day….we are for you and for Philiip…..

    Love

    Rose

    Reply

  3. tric
    Apr 09, 2014 @ 19:15:16

    You have the blogosphere for now. If you decide to look elsewhere we’ll have to vet them and give our opinions! One year. I hope your okay.

    Reply

  4. Greet Grief
    Apr 09, 2014 @ 19:43:27

    We both began our blogging journey around the same time a year ago. I totally relate to your comment about it connecting you to so many people but how it also connects you to yourself. I feel the same way – for as much as I hope that my words can help, it has also been about documenting my journey. Take all the time you need to understand and sort out YOURSELF before bringing anyone else into it – the work we do inwardly will always make a difference when we look outside of ourselves for a partner! Grief is an arduous process

    Reply

    • Denise
      Apr 11, 2014 @ 08:17:52

      Yes it is. Even after two years – I was just in my co-worker’s office laughing with him, and now I’m sitting at my desk crying. Drip, drip, drip. I’m so tired of saying a breath at a time because the breaths hurt anyway…thank you for being there.

      Reply

  5. Anne Whitaker
    Apr 10, 2014 @ 05:29:11

    Thinking of you. Glad the blogging has helped….

    Reply

  6. jmgoyder
    Apr 10, 2014 @ 06:42:51

    Bear hugs!

    Reply

  7. grahamforeverinmyheart
    Apr 10, 2014 @ 23:23:41

    So glad you’re blogging. Your writing helps me organize and clarify my thoughts. Please keep writing, however, as I’m still a mess.

    Reply

  8. Denise Hisey
    Apr 11, 2014 @ 00:33:35

    Congrats on your one year of blogging…and for making the choice to take care of yourself, too.

    Reply

    • Denise
      Apr 11, 2014 @ 08:22:20

      Thank you, Denise – as I’ve said before, you are – really – an inspiration. It’s your spirit; I don’t pretend to know what you’ve suffered, but you’ve only let it polish your shine.

      Reply

  9. suziconfuzi
    May 09, 2014 @ 22:49:59

    Thanks for visiting my blog Denise. I’m touched by your very honest clarity…

    Reply

    • Denise
      May 10, 2014 @ 11:26:31

      Thank you – and your cards are simply lovely. Peace to you this Mother’s day…

      Reply

      • suziconfuzi
        May 11, 2014 @ 18:30:38

        Thank you Denise, This is a difficult day and at the same time a day I feel so grateful for. Without Jason I would not have been a mum…. Wishing your day is peaceful as well. Susan

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