I Think of You

  • “I close my eyes I think of you
    I take a step, I think of you
    I catch my breath, I think of you
    I cannot rest, I think of you”
    “Looking Out” by Brandi Carlisle

She is, of course singing of a romantic relationship. I wrote once about that, about how people are always singing about romantic love – no one wants to touch the real grief that’s the other side of deep love. No one wants to sing about that kind of loss. So while Romantic Love’s what these lyrics are about, ask any parent who’s lost a child if they don’t resonate.

Tonight I feel Rutgers, New Brunswick. I’m there with Natalie, buying books for her next term. Philip knows we’re in the bookstore, comes to say hello. I am so happy to see him – Do you need anything, I ask? No, I’m good he answers. We chat a while, then he leaves. It was always okay when he left because we were okay. No thought of never seeing him again.

I’m selfish. I’m so wrapped up in Philip’s loss and Philip’s words that I forget things. I forgot to say something to Dale, about Brandon’s birthday. And today is one year since Amy Marie died and I know that Dee is suffering. And to all of you, who I’ve forgotten to say things to – know that I’m full of words. I’m not managing myself well.

So this is just to say I’m sorry for all of us who are suffering the loss of our precious children. I’m sorry if I’ve missed anything about Lucia, Dale, Tersia, Dave, Susan, Susan B., Mira, Daphne, Ed, Joyce, Afichereader, Deanna, Dakota, Anna, Joyce, Melissa, Toni, Elizabeth’s Mom, Graham’s Mom – and you who I haven’t mentioned, you who just care and let me know.  This is a pause to take a breath and bow our heads. They were here with us. Can we figure out how to make something of that?

© 2014 Denise Smyth


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Toni Chestnut
    Aug 05, 2014 @ 04:30:57

    Ohh Denise. 😦 It’s ok to not say words. I think I speak for us all when I say that we understand. Hugs.


  2. lensgirl53
    Aug 05, 2014 @ 08:35:45

    Denise, you are “one of us”…the sorrowful sorority who can write songs of loss for every minute of the day, Please do not be upset about forgetting…we have all been there and will be again. Forgetting is that unmentioned phase in that list of grief phases. We forget things we would like to remember and wish we could forget the most awful thing that made us forget in the first place. God bless you and all the moms/parents you mentioned who are grieving.<3 xoxo


    • Denise
      Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:20:45

      I keep lists at work – I’m sharp and focused. But after that, part of me gets lost in grief. And I say “part” because I can show up where I’m supposed to, but no matter what I’m doing, another “part” is consumed with all I think and feel about my son. I haven’t room for much else. xoxoxoxo


  3. grahamforeverinmyheart
    Aug 06, 2014 @ 20:24:17

    We all understand and go through all the ups and downs every day, too. Well, maybe there are many more downs than ups , and up is much lower than it used to be.

    I don’t think you’re selfish. I think you’re generous to write and share your thoughts and feelings.

    Thank you.


  4. Denise
    Aug 07, 2014 @ 21:22:52

    Thank you – I guess I don’t look at sharing all this as “generous” because it’s such a need. YOU are generous, reaching out to so many others. But we do what we can, yes?

    So good to hear from you.


  5. Becki Duckworth
    Aug 29, 2014 @ 09:21:26

    Thinking of you. It’s been awhile since I stopped by,


  6. Denise
    Aug 29, 2014 @ 10:26:48

    So glad you did – that goes for me, too. I’ve been reading, though; just been feeling quiet. It’s been harder to write – or at least, harder to finish saying what I’m trying to say. xoxoxoxo


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